Face Punch comedy sketch

Reporter: Hello, I'm Matthew Walters a right-wing conservative reporter with Channel 5 Action News at 6. I'm here on the scene with recent assault victim, and my own sister, Samantha Walters. So, in your own words, what happened miss?

Interviewee: Well, I was just walking out of the gym, and this random guy ran up to me punched me in the face, and ran off down the road before I could react.

R: I see, interesting. And do you think that it was your clothing that may have lead to this act of violence against you?

I: What? I don't know how that could be.

R: Well, you are wearing the same clothing now that you had on during the crime, is the correct?

I: Well, yes, but I don't see...

R: Well, given what you are wearing, it seems to me that you wanted to get punched in the face.

I: What?! No, I didn't!

R: Well you're not wearing any sort of head gear that would have stopped a potential assailant's fist, so clearly this must have been your fault. Did you lead on the man in any other way prior to the incident?

I: What?! I didn't lead him on in any way whatsoever!

R: But, everybody knows that the most natural state of any man is to punch people in the face. If you wore no sort of protective gear to prevent this then, clearly you wanted it.

I: What?! That's insane! I didn't want to get punched in the face! I didn't even know the man who did it!

R: Again, that seems to be poor judgment on your part. I mean you left the house this morning without head gear of any sort on, and you're walking around in unfamiliar places with random men looking like that (points to head and lack of gear.) How can you expect not to get punched in the face?

I: But, I walk around all the time with a helmet or anything on, and I don't get punched in the face.

R: So clearly, living this precarious lifestyle has finally caught up with you. It's a wonder that you've made it this long without being punched in the face.

I: Look, Matt, I'm really in pain here, and I don't have time to argue about whose fault this is. You see my black eye. (She points to her blackened eye.) I need to go to the hospital and get it treated.

R: Well, whose fault is that? You know, if this were really a legitimate attack that you didn't lead on in any way, then your body has a way of shutting down the blood flow to the face and you wouldn't have a blackened eye that you have to go to the doctor and take care of. Really, you're just proving my point.

I: What? Look just because you have a medical degree doesn't mean that you can make up things that the body doesn't do.

R: I don't have a medical degree.

I: I know. I just wanted you to admit it out loud.

R: Really, isn't this your own fault for being out this late anyway?

I: It's 10 in the morning.

R: So, you've been out all night?!

I: No. I left my house at 8 am this morning.

R: Well there's the problem leaving the house at all. And, how many drinks did you have before this assault?

I: None. It's 10 in the morning.

R: Fine. But you were surely leading on your attacker, right?

I: I'd never seen him before. It was a hit and run.

R: Right. But, you were exiting the gym. How do we know that you didn't punch yourself in the face and claim that it was this man just to get him into trouble?

I: Because, I don't know who it was. So, I'm not blaming anyone specifically.

R: So, you admit that you are on a crusade to tarnish the reputation of men in general. How long have you had the goal of defaming the good name of an entire gender?

I: I'm...not...what?! (Looks confused)

R: Are you following this man-hating agenda because you never learned how just to lie back and enjoy being punched in the face like all women should?

I: No women learn that.

R: And that's the problem with America! If you had just taken that class they offered in high school about wearing a riot helmet at all times and frequently ducking out of the way, then this would never have happened in the first place!

I: They never offered any class like that! (Becomes noticeably agitated)

R: And you agree with me that they should as evidenced by your anger. And, are you also angry that our parents didn't take the time to educate you on what kinds of face-punch proof clothing is appropriate to wear when you are outside?

(At this point, a Random Male Onlooker from the crowd walks up. I immediately becomes noticeably agitated for some reason.)

RMO: Excuse me, I saw what happened.

R: (pushes I out of the way to make room in front of the camera for RMO): Yes, sir. Can you tell us in what way this woman was leading on her attacker to bring about this tragic happenstance?

RMO: Well, from what I saw, it really all boils down to this roll of quarters that the attacker dropped before he ran off. (Holds a roll of quarters aloft in his hand for both R and the camera.)

R: (Studies roll of quarters intently trying to unlock the mystery) And what do you think that this has to do with the attack?
RMO: Well, you have to get your eyes really close before you can see the reason clearly.

R: (Draws slowly but surely closer to RMO's hand.) What is it that I'm supposed to see?
RMO: You need to be a little closer still.

R: (As if mesmerized by what's in RMO's hand, he draws his face to within 2-3 inches from his hand.) What is it?

RMO: This! (Curls fingers around the roll of quarters, punches R in the face, and runs off away from the camera.)

R: (Falls to the ground screaming.) OW! (various whimpers and yells of pain)

I: (Bends over to pick up the microphone and places it to her mouth) Hmm...I think that that was the original assailant. Well, I guess that this reporter (points to the man crying on the ground) didn't remember his station-issued head gear. (winks at camera) This has been Samantha Walters with Channel 5 Action News at 6. Back to you, George. (I drops microphone and bends down to wrap her shoulders around R) Well, I guess that's what you get for leading him on like that, dear. (I and R walk away from the camera while R is still crying)