Blue-eyed comedy sketch

Reporter: Hello, I'm Matthew Walters a right-wing conservative reporter with Channel 5 Action News at 6. I'm here on the scene of the annual Nordic Track convention to answer a very compelling question that I'm sure is on the minds of all of our audience members at home that is assuming that I can find the right person with the necessary qualities to interview...(Walks up to a random person, looks closely in their eyes, and moves onto the next person. This continues for 8 more people until the 10^th person.) So, in your own words, sir, why do you have blue eyes?

Interviewee: I'm sorry, what?

R: Well it's a very simple question sir, why did you make the choice to have blue eyes?

I: Well, it's not a choice. I was born that way.

R: You really expect me to believe that you did not choose to have blue eyes?!

I: Well, yes. I mean, did you choose to have (noticeably looks at his eyes for a half-second) brown eyes.

R: Everybody knows that anybody who has morals and lives by the Christian faith set forth in the Bible should have only brown eyes. That's a fact handed down by the good book itself and is beyond any of your genetic Science.

I: What? It doesn't say anything in the Bible about brown eyes.

R: (Clearly ignoring his response while leaning into the camera more) It's brown-eyed Adam and Eve, not blue-eyed Adam and Steve!

I: But, all Caucasian babies are born with blue or slate grey eyes which often differentiate into other colors typically by their first birthday.

R: Don't confuse my beliefs with your facts! It's incontrovertible that, if the day started tomorrow and all blue-eyed people simply had disappeared without a trace, then the world would be better off without them, TRUE FACT!

I: Okay, first of all, that is clearly an opinion, and secondly, it's clearly awful! What exactly did we blue-eyed people ever do to you that makes you dislike us so much?

R: Well, you're in the minority, so immediately, I dislike you. Secondly, what has a blue-eyed person ever done for me or society at large that warrants your existence?

I: Well, Michelangelo contributed greatly to the artistic world and pioneered entirely new forms of artistic expression in the medium of sculpture. What's more, he painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel which is considered to be one of the greatest artistic achievements of the middle ages.

R: Well, if Michelangelo was so talented, then what happened to all the other fifteen chapels?

I: Well...wait, what?

R: Yeah, I mean if he was so good why did he have to ruin those 15 other chapels before getting it right?

I: Oh, well that was because you're an idiot. (Noticeably rolls eyes)

R: Hey, I'm here to talk about the issues. Let's not descend into childish name-calling...you perverted, Smurf-eyed affront to God!

I: Okay, ignoring that entirely, what issue are you feebly trying to address with your odd brand of bigotry?

R: I want to know why you as a blue-eyed person think that you deserve the same rights as we normal-eyed people even though you're in the minority.

I: What rights do you think that we should be denied based upon the color of our eyes?

R: Well, before I answer that, can you tell me why you people insist on having the therapists that you do?

I: What? You mean to say that you think that we are all seeing therapists for our eye color?

R: No, you should be, but we'll get into that later. What I want to know is why you prefer the agitated ranting of Sigmund Freud to the more calm and wise doctrine of Carl Jung.

I: What the hell are you talking about? (Noticeable, confused expression on his face)

R: I merely want to know why, when it comes to therapists, you'd prefer a crazed Freudian to a Civil Jungian.

I: I don't know how to answer that. (Becoming noticeably impatient)

R: (Realizing this line of questioning is going nowhere, so he decides to abandon it altogether) Have you ever considered going to get help for your problem of being 'inherently' (rolls eyes) blue-eyed?

I: What are you talking about now?

R: Well, why don't you go to one of those re-education camps so that you can come to realize that being blue-eyed is a choice that you should morally opt out of?

I: There aren't any camps for that!

R: Well, in this reporter's opinion, there should be!

I: So you really think that it's a choice to have blue eyes?

R: Absolutely, and the wrong one at that!

I: Well, I'll tell you what: If you change your eyes blue in front of the camera for me right now for just a minute, then I'll change mine to brown permanently.

R: You're not going to recruit me into your life of sin!

I: Well, have you ever tried to have blue eyes before?

R: Of course not! Why the very thought of it is offensive!

I: Well then, how do you know that you wouldn't like it?

R: Well because....um....(His face contorts as he tries to find a good reason)

I: You've never thought about it? I can tell you as someone who was born this way and has tried all of the things that a blue-eyed person can do, that it is so much better than having brown eyes.

R: No. What advantages could come from having blue eyes? (He asks the question more to himself than I)

I: In fact sometimes, I get together with other blue-eyed people and we enjoy all of the increased knowledge and skill that comes inherent from having been born with blue-eyes. (Raises eye brows in an enticing manner)

R: (Starting to warm to the idea as evidenced by his change in tone) Like what? What things can you do that a brown-eyed person can't?

I: Well, for starters, we all can read minds.

R: You can?

I: Yeah, you see that beautiful woman over there. I'm better at understanding her thoughts with my blue eyes than you ever will with your brown ones.

R: Well, if I did want to change my eyes to blue, then how would I do it?

I: Well first, you have to focus really hard on her. Just look at her like you're trying to look through her.

R: (Focuses his eyes intensely on a beautiful woman 20 feet away standing in profile) Like this?

I: Yeah, just like that. (Reaches into his own pocket subtly while R is distracted)

R: I don't know if this is working. I'm not hearing anything.

I: Don't break focus! You're almost there.

R: Wait, I think that I'm starting to hear something. (Leans his ear more toward the woman who remains oblivious to all of this)

I: Yeah, what do you hear?

R: I think that she's thinking...“Oh god, my eyes.” (Looks confused) Why would she be thinking that? (Looks back in I's direction)

I: (Sprays him in the face with some mace taken from his pocket and then picks up the microphone that R drops while in grabbing for his eyes. Looks into the camera like a news reporter.)

R: (Said while still below the bottom edge of the camera and rolling on the ground writhing in pain) It burns!

I: And there it is proof positive folks, gullible people don't need a reason to think they way they do; they simply need the misguided belief that it will in some way benefit them. In this case, we can see that a warped idea of what is right still will not prevent you from feeling an intense burning pain. In this case however, it's only for 5 to 10 minutes instead of an eternity. Back to you in the studio.